fall

This semester has definetly been a crazy one.  I have been wanting to write a post for a while now and now I finally have the words saved up for what I want to say.  I'll start with the bad then end with the good.

Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue. Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you. Gonna make you break out of your shell
cuz they tell you to. Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth. They'll tell you everthing you wanted someone else to say, They're gonna break your heart, yeah.

I trust people way too much.  In my mind, everybody should be kind and everybody would do a nice gesture just because they're going through a rough time.  Sadly this is not the case.  One of my best friends introduced this song to me this past week and ever since it has been on repeat.  She said, as I sat crying on the couch over another misdeed, another bad mistake, another kaity moment, that this song reminded her of me.  And as I read the lyrics, I couldn't help but think that she was right.  I never think that anybody is lying to me, or that they would do something selfish or mean to me out of spite but I have found all that out the hard way this semester. You can't trust everybody and you're gonna have rough times ahead. 
Hearing things you don't want to hear sucks and hearing some of your dreams go down the drain sucks even more.  Maybe it was your dream job, your dream future, your dream guy or even just to freaking belong.  Whatever it is, it sucks when you have to let go of it and move on and try to figure something out.  Maybe its leading you to a differnt path though and I always think back to that saying that says "everything happens for a reason" because after this semester I fully believe it.  When I couldnt get into the education program for a second time, I cried and bawled like a baby for a week straight. Did any of those tears, sobbing, thoughts of me being useless help me? Hell no. They made everything worse.  I met with people though, countless, and tried to get help.  I figured that I can make this into a better situation by minoring in history, which is a subject I love but I had given up on because it doesn't do anything.
I guess what i'm just trying to say is that even if it doesn't work out how you think or if you made a mistake or if you got your heart ripped out and stomped on, to never EVER give up because it might lead to something better.  Do I feel 100% better? No.  And do I still feel regret and like a freaking idiot? Yes. But its better knowing that I made the mistake and I know how it feels now then to go on living my life not learning anything. 

Somebody oughta take you in, Try to make you love again, Try to make you like the way they feel when they're under your skin. Never once do you think that they would lie when they're holding you. Then you wonder why they haven't called when they said they'd call you. You'll start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by. You'll start to think you were born blind. From what I've seen you're just one more hand me down cuz no one's tried to give you what you need, So lay all your troubles down, I am with you now

 This song sometimes makes me feel like a complete idiot.  I'll leave this part blank because I don't know how I feel about anything involving love anymore.  I love my GOD, I love my family, I love my friends but when it comes to a relationship with a guy, I can't get it right.  Leave it to endless phonecalls remaining unanswered, mind games galore and guys popping out of the woodwork for me to lose faith in it all. I can't do this to myself anymore, and i've pretty much tapped out. I haven't lost complete faith though cause I still cry like a baby back bitch when it comes to romantic comedies and dramas.  I know its out there, I'm just tired of swimming and i'm in need of a break.

I'm here for the hard times, The straight to your heart times. When living ain't easy you can stand up against me And maybe rely on me And cry on me, yeah

This is where this entry gets more happy.  With the bad always comes the good and I seriously have had one of the most KICK ASS semesters ever. Here we go.

1) My saucer. I'm not sure what I would do without her.  She is my best friend, she makes me laugh when all I want to do is ugly cry.  She is always there to talk, no matter how stupid of a situation it is.  She is there for me when I want to celebrate and when I just want to give up.  She is there for me when I cry about having a family live 14 hours away and completely understands when I tell her I just need to have a good time.  Sauce, you are more beautiful than cinderella. You smell like pine needles and have a face like sunshine.  You da best.

2) Sig Tau. Some of you may know it, some of you may not.  You boys are my brothers.  You make me laugh so hard and never judge me not matter what.  Each and every one of you I am thankful to have in my life.  You tell me to go out and have a good time and are right there to celebrate.  Then you can turn around when I have a horrible day and let me vent and cry and tell me I look gorgeous when I cry even though I cried all of my makeup off.  The spontaneous sleepovers, karaoke nights, hockey games, zombie marathons, pancakes, spud games, and dollar bills.  I do not regret any of it.  I would not be the woman today if I hadn't met any of you.  You have taught me numerous lessons (both useful and not) and I hope you know how much it means to me to not only be your white rose, but to call my relationship with you the best I have ever had. So thank you.

3) Little Indian.  You are the best roommate.  You fold my laundry when its in the dryer, let me cook grilled cheese and watch spongebob and are always there to talk and listen.  You never ever ever judge me on our countless heart to hearts or RSSOE nights. (You better catch that reference) You let me make indian references toward you and then you make german references toward me.  I love our friendship and i'm glad we have another semester together at the schwastey fish bowl.

4) Reamsicle. Another addition.  We don't have friends, we have eachother.  Mainly because we are all freaking insane and quote mean girls and bridesmaids a million times a day.  YOu rock my world sunshine and I cannot wait for the many adventures that lie ahead.  BTW that is such a cute skirt where did you get it?

5) My littles.  They rock my world.  They make me want to become a better woman and I am proud of each and every one of them.  They are AMAXING no matter what anybody else thinks and the talks we have are some of the best I have had with anybody.  love you little bears.

There are so many aweosme people in my life, but at the rate this entry is going, you probably don't want to read another 100 pages.  Fall 2011 was awesome.  Spring 2012 is going to be even better. SO WATCH OUT.

put this in your pipe and smoke it

Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
So have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.
--Brand New

real life isn't in a movie or a magazine.

I was thinking today about appearance and beauty and how important it is to a woman. Guys really have no idea what kind of things a girl thinks during the day and how tough it is to just be a girl.  I never really got into a huge fit about my body as a teen to be honest.  Well actually thats a lie.  Back when I was a freshman in hs, I wanted to actually have a butt, some boobs and not look like a freaking stick.  Still shopping in the kids section casue of that in between stage where nothing fits in juniors and the clothes in the children's department are really dorky lavender prints with fucking butterflies all over them.  Also didn't help that I lived in Germany and the only real  clothes you could get were from the limited selection at the BX.  Going off base and shopping was always an option but had the same issues.  
There was no intense overnight change that happened, I just kinda grew I guess.  Didn't really notice.  I'm a late bloomer in all parts of my life I feel and thats okay but when you're 14 years old and all the other girls have actual boobs and stuff, it takes a toll on a girl's self esteem.
All of this I thought about today after i read an article in an old Glamour magazine about how 97% of women think a bad thought about their body 13 times a day. 97%!!!! That's insane! If a guy were to come up to me and say some of the things I think about my body to my face, I would punch him.  But somehow its okay if I say it to myself.  That isn't okay. 
Now at 21 (in a week. I know. I'm excited too.) , I have boobs,  i have a butt, and i'm still unhappy with my body. 7 years later, I feel like i'm still in that dressing room saying dude this looks utterly horrible. 
This summer I have made it my mission to fix myself and this aspect is no difference.  I need to stop hating on my body and love it.  Whether I like it or not, I have the butt and the thighs every woman in my family has and there is no getting rid of them.  Instead, I should love them and crack a joke about it. And now I love it. It's kind of hard to explain.  Whenever I see this quote, I laugh cause its so true.

I love you with all my butt. I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.

Today I was thinking also about makeup.  Guys, you have no idea how expensive makeup is.  Its stupid expensive.  IT breaks my heart whenever I see purple eyeliner but its 15 bucks. That just sucks, cause who doesn't love purple eyeliner?  But  anyway, I was thinking about makeup and couldn't remember the last time I went out of the house without makeup on.  And although I absolutely love makeup, I couldn't tell if I didn't go out without makeup on because I was so self conscious or because I was lazy.  I was self conscious.  I pride myself on the fact that I never go out  with sweats and even on my bad days, I have at least jeans on and a hoodie with some foundation.  I went out today for the first time in a VERY long time without makeup on.  And I felt great. I don't need makeup, because I look great how I am. And that's not me trying to sound conceited, I just feel like I should be comfortable in the skin I am in first before I cover it up.   So now I am wearing less makeup than I usually do and I think I actually look better without a whole bunch of crap.  Although I refuse to give up any of my makeup because its all so pretty and sparkly and shiny and fun to put on, its nice to know that I'm comfortable now and not as self conscious as I was.


I'm pretty proud of all these positive thoughts that I am happy, especially in what is one of the most stressful times of the year.  Thanks for the encouragement guys, and wish me luck for the rest of this journey. :]

 

I could honestly look at song lyrics all day.  

It's one of those things that I wish I could do.  Write a song that is.  I look at these lyrics and just keep reading, like they know what I feel and they have no idea who I am.

It was while reading these lyrics and quotes that you think about the little things.

She didn't mean to deceive you, believe me
But sometimes the hardest part is conceiving

This is one of the earlier songs from my all time favorite band, Blink-182. It was released back when they weren't famous, or as famous I guess,  and the only reason I kept going back to the song was because of that part of the song.  It's so blunt. So true. So real. 


Things like that make me think about what I do in my life.  The past year has been a surreal one. I wasn't in a great place last year at this time either just cause everything was changing and those things that I held back.  And school started and I just kind of jumped without really looking. I just plain. JUMPED. And I didn't even realize it. I had good times don't get me wrong.  I probably have some of the best friends ever and they definitely put up with me when they do not have to.  But I got hurt a lot too this year and that's something I didn't really tell people except for the people I could trust.  I think because of everything in the past, I thought maybe if I keep building a wall, it won't seem as real and I can just hide and go on with my life.  That all caught up with me the last night I was home before summer.  All those times that I could have torn down that wall I didn't in fear of being rejected, in fear of not being loved, in fear of people seeing the real me and not loving me.  I didn't tear it down because I thought those friends that I loved so much, that I would have done almost anything for, wouldn't be there when they really saw who I was, a girl with lots of self confidence issues, afraid to jump into a relationship, and would burst out crying at the thought of any sort of serious conversation in fear of the future.


So when I broke down that night, I kind of scared the crap out of me.  In the back of my head, I knew that I had to leave.  Something was just telling me I had to; I can't explain it.  I knew that I had to go away from everybody and figure myself out and not bring anybody into it.


That didn't really work a few weeks in.  I got hurt. And I really fucking hate to admit it.  I cried almost every-time I thought about it.  And after all that happened, I realized that the people that really care about me were checking on me.  The people that just called and said lets talk or would shoot me a text that said it isn't the same here without your constant dropping of the f-bomb.


I know that I have a hell of a long way to go.  I still don't look in the mirror everyday and love what I see. Something about all the middle school drama (which I'm sorry to admit but really did do some damage on me), the high school experience (in this case inexperience. I regret a lot of what I didn't do in high school and I have a fear that I'm making up for it by acting like an idiot in college) the college growing (did a lot of good. really. I'm not being sarcastic. these really are the best years of my life) and lastly the future which i'm scared to death of.  Probably more than most people.  I literally feel like John Mayer wrote about me in "Stop This Train" and whenever I hear that song I start crying no matter where I am.  The future scares the shit out of me.


That label that you put on yourself when you were 8 years old about how you were going to be when you were 21 seems nothing like the label I put on myself.  I would eat better, I would feel so great about myself, I would be happy all the time and have a wonderful boyfriend who would graduate with me and get married after college like the perfect people I thought in my head.  That is what I thought when I was 8. And I hope I'm not the only girl that feels like this.  Which i'm sure i'm not but you never know.  What if none of that comes true?! What if i'm just bopping along life and never achieve anything?!? And when I think those thoughts, I just think "Kaity. You are an insane white girl.  Just have faith." I feel like I need to have this tattooed somewhere I see daily to remind me that yes you are a crazy girl, but people love you and you are gonna be okay. 


Lastly, I started reading this book (a total chick book. really. guys won't like it.) Queen of Babble by Meg Cabot and felt myself seriously bonding with the main character.  I felt everything that she was and I completely understood.  People thought she was insane, but she knew she wasn't.  One of the parts that got to me was this:

"Sometimes we need to take big risks if we want to find out who we are, and what we were put on this planet for."

I did take a risk coming home this summer.  I took a risk letting my family see what was happening, how I was feeling and that I need help. I hate asking for help just like I hate crying, it shows vulnerability and failure. I know I need to fix that. But whether I like it or not, the future is coming and there isn't a damn thing I can do to stop it.  So I have to keep it together and keep fighting and I know that I will get through it because I have to. I am taking a risk going back to school in the fall.  Things won't be the same. And thats how it has to be.   If I don't take a risk I won't find out who I really am and what I'm supposed to do.  So heres that update on the summer. 
Also. To those friends who were there for me, thank you. I love you.
To those that I hurt, i am sorry. Nothing else I can really say. I regret everything I said and did and I hope that you can forgive me someday
To those that royally screwed me over, used me, showed no thanks to me, and treated me like a piece of garbage, you will get what's coming to you. Karma is a bitch. I know.