real life isn't in a movie or a magazine.

I was thinking today about appearance and beauty and how important it is to a woman. Guys really have no idea what kind of things a girl thinks during the day and how tough it is to just be a girl.  I never really got into a huge fit about my body as a teen to be honest.  Well actually thats a lie.  Back when I was a freshman in hs, I wanted to actually have a butt, some boobs and not look like a freaking stick.  Still shopping in the kids section casue of that in between stage where nothing fits in juniors and the clothes in the children's department are really dorky lavender prints with fucking butterflies all over them.  Also didn't help that I lived in Germany and the only real  clothes you could get were from the limited selection at the BX.  Going off base and shopping was always an option but had the same issues.  
There was no intense overnight change that happened, I just kinda grew I guess.  Didn't really notice.  I'm a late bloomer in all parts of my life I feel and thats okay but when you're 14 years old and all the other girls have actual boobs and stuff, it takes a toll on a girl's self esteem.
All of this I thought about today after i read an article in an old Glamour magazine about how 97% of women think a bad thought about their body 13 times a day. 97%!!!! That's insane! If a guy were to come up to me and say some of the things I think about my body to my face, I would punch him.  But somehow its okay if I say it to myself.  That isn't okay. 
Now at 21 (in a week. I know. I'm excited too.) , I have boobs,  i have a butt, and i'm still unhappy with my body. 7 years later, I feel like i'm still in that dressing room saying dude this looks utterly horrible. 
This summer I have made it my mission to fix myself and this aspect is no difference.  I need to stop hating on my body and love it.  Whether I like it or not, I have the butt and the thighs every woman in my family has and there is no getting rid of them.  Instead, I should love them and crack a joke about it. And now I love it. It's kind of hard to explain.  Whenever I see this quote, I laugh cause its so true.

I love you with all my butt. I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.

Today I was thinking also about makeup.  Guys, you have no idea how expensive makeup is.  Its stupid expensive.  IT breaks my heart whenever I see purple eyeliner but its 15 bucks. That just sucks, cause who doesn't love purple eyeliner?  But  anyway, I was thinking about makeup and couldn't remember the last time I went out of the house without makeup on.  And although I absolutely love makeup, I couldn't tell if I didn't go out without makeup on because I was so self conscious or because I was lazy.  I was self conscious.  I pride myself on the fact that I never go out  with sweats and even on my bad days, I have at least jeans on and a hoodie with some foundation.  I went out today for the first time in a VERY long time without makeup on.  And I felt great. I don't need makeup, because I look great how I am. And that's not me trying to sound conceited, I just feel like I should be comfortable in the skin I am in first before I cover it up.   So now I am wearing less makeup than I usually do and I think I actually look better without a whole bunch of crap.  Although I refuse to give up any of my makeup because its all so pretty and sparkly and shiny and fun to put on, its nice to know that I'm comfortable now and not as self conscious as I was.


I'm pretty proud of all these positive thoughts that I am happy, especially in what is one of the most stressful times of the year.  Thanks for the encouragement guys, and wish me luck for the rest of this journey. :]

 

I could honestly look at song lyrics all day.  

It's one of those things that I wish I could do.  Write a song that is.  I look at these lyrics and just keep reading, like they know what I feel and they have no idea who I am.

It was while reading these lyrics and quotes that you think about the little things.

She didn't mean to deceive you, believe me
But sometimes the hardest part is conceiving

This is one of the earlier songs from my all time favorite band, Blink-182. It was released back when they weren't famous, or as famous I guess,  and the only reason I kept going back to the song was because of that part of the song.  It's so blunt. So true. So real. 


Things like that make me think about what I do in my life.  The past year has been a surreal one. I wasn't in a great place last year at this time either just cause everything was changing and those things that I held back.  And school started and I just kind of jumped without really looking. I just plain. JUMPED. And I didn't even realize it. I had good times don't get me wrong.  I probably have some of the best friends ever and they definitely put up with me when they do not have to.  But I got hurt a lot too this year and that's something I didn't really tell people except for the people I could trust.  I think because of everything in the past, I thought maybe if I keep building a wall, it won't seem as real and I can just hide and go on with my life.  That all caught up with me the last night I was home before summer.  All those times that I could have torn down that wall I didn't in fear of being rejected, in fear of not being loved, in fear of people seeing the real me and not loving me.  I didn't tear it down because I thought those friends that I loved so much, that I would have done almost anything for, wouldn't be there when they really saw who I was, a girl with lots of self confidence issues, afraid to jump into a relationship, and would burst out crying at the thought of any sort of serious conversation in fear of the future.


So when I broke down that night, I kind of scared the crap out of me.  In the back of my head, I knew that I had to leave.  Something was just telling me I had to; I can't explain it.  I knew that I had to go away from everybody and figure myself out and not bring anybody into it.


That didn't really work a few weeks in.  I got hurt. And I really fucking hate to admit it.  I cried almost every-time I thought about it.  And after all that happened, I realized that the people that really care about me were checking on me.  The people that just called and said lets talk or would shoot me a text that said it isn't the same here without your constant dropping of the f-bomb.


I know that I have a hell of a long way to go.  I still don't look in the mirror everyday and love what I see. Something about all the middle school drama (which I'm sorry to admit but really did do some damage on me), the high school experience (in this case inexperience. I regret a lot of what I didn't do in high school and I have a fear that I'm making up for it by acting like an idiot in college) the college growing (did a lot of good. really. I'm not being sarcastic. these really are the best years of my life) and lastly the future which i'm scared to death of.  Probably more than most people.  I literally feel like John Mayer wrote about me in "Stop This Train" and whenever I hear that song I start crying no matter where I am.  The future scares the shit out of me.


That label that you put on yourself when you were 8 years old about how you were going to be when you were 21 seems nothing like the label I put on myself.  I would eat better, I would feel so great about myself, I would be happy all the time and have a wonderful boyfriend who would graduate with me and get married after college like the perfect people I thought in my head.  That is what I thought when I was 8. And I hope I'm not the only girl that feels like this.  Which i'm sure i'm not but you never know.  What if none of that comes true?! What if i'm just bopping along life and never achieve anything?!? And when I think those thoughts, I just think "Kaity. You are an insane white girl.  Just have faith." I feel like I need to have this tattooed somewhere I see daily to remind me that yes you are a crazy girl, but people love you and you are gonna be okay. 


Lastly, I started reading this book (a total chick book. really. guys won't like it.) Queen of Babble by Meg Cabot and felt myself seriously bonding with the main character.  I felt everything that she was and I completely understood.  People thought she was insane, but she knew she wasn't.  One of the parts that got to me was this:

"Sometimes we need to take big risks if we want to find out who we are, and what we were put on this planet for."

I did take a risk coming home this summer.  I took a risk letting my family see what was happening, how I was feeling and that I need help. I hate asking for help just like I hate crying, it shows vulnerability and failure. I know I need to fix that. But whether I like it or not, the future is coming and there isn't a damn thing I can do to stop it.  So I have to keep it together and keep fighting and I know that I will get through it because I have to. I am taking a risk going back to school in the fall.  Things won't be the same. And thats how it has to be.   If I don't take a risk I won't find out who I really am and what I'm supposed to do.  So heres that update on the summer. 
Also. To those friends who were there for me, thank you. I love you.
To those that I hurt, i am sorry. Nothing else I can really say. I regret everything I said and did and I hope that you can forgive me someday
To those that royally screwed me over, used me, showed no thanks to me, and treated me like a piece of garbage, you will get what's coming to you. Karma is a bitch. I know.